Social Anxiety

*Phone ringing*

Annie: Hey you. How's it going? I've missed you.

Me: Hey love. Everything's fine. School has just been really busy, but apart from that, I'm great. I've missed you too love. What's kicking?

Annie: Nothing much. Yeah I totally understand. School has been kicking my ass too. It's gonna be over soon though. Hang in there. I actually wanted to talk to you about something.

Me: Cool. Spill!

Annie: I really hope I am not overstepping here but do you remember how you lost it at the party the other night? The way you kept yapping about nothing and everything all at once? I've known you for so long and I just felt like that wasn't you. What was going on? I even noticed how you kept shaking your legs like you were on coke or something. Is everything okay?

*Hesitates while biting my nails nervously*

Annie: Sheila!? still there?

Me: Can you hear me now? Sorry. I've been having some issues with my phone (I lie).

Annie: Yes I can. Sorry about your phone.

Me: As I was saying, I can't even remember that. Maybe I was just high or something. I remember I had a little too much to drink. Don't sweat it. Everything is good. Thank you for caring though.

Annie: I am so relieved that you're okay. You know I am always here right? I will always have your back. I was actually about to rush to class, but I had to check in cause something didn't feel right. Talk later?

Me: Yeah sure. Thanks really. Have a good day. Love you minion.

Annie: Love you too smurfette.

*Call ends. Reminiscing*

Staring at the ceiling, feeling like the walls are closing in on me. The room is full of people. Some I know, most, I would rather not meet. This is just because it'll take so much energy trying to make conversation. All of a sudden, it's hard to breathe. The air gets thin. I need to do something, anything. So, I decide to get out of my head. I start talking to anyone I meet because my brain can't really settle down. I am restless. I need to share this turmoil with someone, anyone, hell, everyone. I find a stranger and the ceaseless words take charge. "Here we go again," my judgmental mind sighs. I can't blame her though. I always do this; go to places like these and end up rambling.

That's ironic, considering I just claimed that conversations drain a lot of energy. The next thing I know, the talking is not working. I feel like an island because why the hell is everybody enjoying this shindig, when all I can think about is messing up at being a social being? I should try harder.

Before I know it, I am telling the tall guy serving drinks about Guppy, my first puppy. The one that died when I was 9 and I have never gotten over. Not sure he cares though. Actually, I think he might be bothered by this tiny human being trauma dumping on him. He's probably thinking, "I didn't come here for this. I clearly could be doing better things, like chatting up a fine babe." But he decides to just be polite. Courteous.

But then again, what if he's not bothered by me? What if he just wants to have a story to tell his friends about this one girl who couldn't, for the love of God, shut up at the party? He might just want to crack up his drinking buddies, you know.

Both assumptions make me sick. I want to hurl. I feel a sting in my eyes. Oh no! here come the waterfalls. "Why the hell am I like this? I can't even remember how the hell Guppy looked! What is wrong with me?" Embarrassed, I rush to the washroom holding my wet eyes. I get inside a stall and sit on that nauseating floor. I immediately try to distract myself with my surroundings so that I can stop crying; I mean, I have to be okay. This is a party after all.

As I try to cope, I thank the heavens that I am not claustrophobic because I can barely move in here. I also applaud myself for carrying my "Dettol" sanitizer because, "Ew! The washroom floor? Really Sheila?"

When my mind stops churning and I'm aware of my state, I notice something; All of a sudden everything has changed. In this particular space, my heart slows down, the tears dry up and my fragile hands stop shaking. Good riddance! I feel normal. The peace that ensues is inconceivable because, "wasn't I a wreck just seconds ago?"

Then like a wave crashing against a cliff, I remember; People scare me. They make me squirm and shake like an autumn leaf. I don't know why, they just do. They always have and at this point, I think they always will.

I also remember the drill every time this dawns on me. Like clockwork;

"Say a prayer, hope this feeling goes away, then go back to those vipers and pretend they aren't venomous."